per yard.

go to new year's eve parties, or wallow alone at home... hmmm....

i went to joanne's today. got red corduroy.

i went to banana bay yesterday.

my heart went splat today. but the sky was pretty, and i found my favorite pair of sunglasses that i thought i had lost. and mr. Lorenzen told me that his favorite christmas present was the painting i made for him. he and i have some problems, but... sometimes he's okay. and sometimes he just seems so tired and sad.
i also saw Mike and Eric. that was cool beans.

coke crack whatever.

i went to get a blood test today & unilabs. they missed the first time, again. supposedly, i have small veins. i remember once, when i was around eight, they missed three times in a row, and i ended up with 5 needles stuck into my arms at once.

oh well. at least i've gotten used to it. try getting blood drawn twice a year like that ever since you were born and it gets easier.

on a side note. my mother found the liquor in my closet. she also found my ashtray, my spare lighter, the last of my cigarettes, and the cocaine.

damnit, why'd they have to cancel

Ephram: Yeah, I think that we should do it here and now before I can't do it at all. You changed my life Madison. Everything about it. I want you to know that.
Madison: You changed mine.
Ephram: Yeah, maybe, but for me it's different. Everything is different for me now. Not just the obvious things. I mean, inside...y'know. It's gonna take me a long time before I realize exactly what happened and why it had to fall apart. But hopefully when I do, y'know, I'll remember, and that way, I can, y'know do it better next time.
Madison: I dont think that you could have done it any better, Ephram.
Ephram: Yeah.
Madison: I think that we did it perfect.
Ephram: Yeah, me too.
Madison: Maybe in a few weeks we could do something. Have one of thoose kick off the friendship lunches or something.
Ephram: No...No, I could never do the friendship thing with you. Let's face it we were never really friends, we were just...
Madison: In love.
Ephram: Yeah. All right I'm gonna walk back to my car right now, and when I get there I'm gonna turn around and I'm gonna look back here and your gonna be inside and that is going to be that.
Narrator: A heart is a fragile thing. That's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely, and why it means so much when we do. Some hearts are more fragile than others. Purer, somehow. Like crystal in a world of glass, even the way they shatter is beautiful.
.... *sniffs, sobs*

that's how we

if i leave right now, would you come with me.
i think i could leave right now if you come with me.

take one thousand, and i still haven't got it right.

cried a little today while watching old reruns of Everwood on abc family. i couldn't tell if it was the show that was making me cry (since, my god, it is such an amazing show), or just the accumulation of everything that's been shaking my shoulders recently.

either way, one episode was the one where Amy gives back the necklace to Ephram, and they both come to terms with the fact that they aren't on the same page... and she says to him.."you what it is, this whole time, you’ve been thinking about me, always making sure that I’m okay, no matter what..." and Ephram says, "is that wrong?" and she says " no. no, it's just that i was always thinking about us."

and, i don't know. the situation sounded so... so familiar. all the dramatic pauses and emotions and everything.

shit, i miss him sometimes.

no, i won't be so

i read a ton of E.E Cummings today. i needed a break, and he usually provides... refreshment.

i've also been watching more t.v lately than i have this entire year... i forgot how much i love t.v. as shallow as that sounds... t.v and movies-- i suspect it's my discomfort with reality that makes a different world, played out on screen, so attractive to me. like Dawson Leery from Dawson's Creek. reject reality and adore cinematography. except i don't really reject reality, i just... find it a bit painful from time to time... and this is one of those times.

oy vey.

right, well, finally redoing my entire ipod after losing itunes months ago.

and if anyone (like dominique :]) has a lot of the artists that i might be able to jack music from, you could be super nice and let me do exactly that :) why? because it's going to be a giant, fucking pain in the ass to re-download all 292 of the arists i need -_-

wingardium leviosa

Harry Potter Order of Pheonix trailer is out :]



i'm an HP nerd . yay :]
i saw We Are Marshall at Harkins today. it was decent, or a football movie...

just woke up

changing layouts is a pain in the frickin' ass.
whatever. do people even care what my blog looks like, anyway?

i've been thinking a lot about Kevin these days. it's weird.

sorry for the flash glare.

remember those boxes my father gave me that looked like this:

one of them now look like this:

top--

it reads "leaves fall in the city as if there's really nothing to be afraid of"

bottom--

sides--

i gave it to my mother as a christmas present to hold all of her jewelry making materials in, along with a 2007 planner. the inside is painted completely black.

and no, i don't know why it says november 25 2006, when i took the picture only fifteen minutes ago...

acrylic paint is wonderful. it took my about an hour and a half.

& i hope you folks know that if you click on the pictures, they get larger.

lead me to the light.

righty. so. i'm not too fond of my relatives, but i must admit that my grandfather is terribly funny; he laughs oddly and acts like a ditz sometimes, while simultaneously seeming incredibly experienced. it's an odd mix, but i have to say that i usually enjoy his company.
other than the uncomfortable meeting with the extended family and such, my christmas has been going fairly well.
my gifts include a sewing machine, a giant back of Hershey's dark chocolate, and pucca gloves [completely random, i know]

i never sleep on christmas eve

merry christmas.

i felt nothing but his touch; but that was only before i breathed in and realized how cold the air was

am i an acquired taste? someone said that to me once...

strike ninety nine

woooh.

recap:
John and William's party was okay. David was there, so that brought a flood of memories and some sadness. i spent a lot of my time in William's room, just writing, reading his books, and sleeping. and i tried to be sweet to John, but i swear that guy just tears me apart. at least i got to see Philip. he's doing well.
after that i changed into my black and white outfit and went to Neha's party at the DB Center. that was crazy. danced for hours and gave my little speech. plus she had this massive chocolate fountain. too bad that the bartender actually checked for ID, though. anyway, it was awesome.



today, i went to church and then came home and just chilled. i've been thinking a lot these days. about my ambitions and my work, and just how i'm going in general. i've been thinking a lot. too much, maybe. anyway, i was in that mood to watch A Beautiful Mind, so i did that; that movie really is just... wow.

shoo.

i'm all sniffly.
but the sun's all bright today.
and i've got to and get ready to go to J&W's party.
eurgh.

i haven't been writing enough these days. it's difficult to form the words, for some reason...

loose

today was a day for change. so i changed my hair. the length is no different, but it's slightly curly now :]. and i have bangs as well. so that was cool beans, except for the smell of hair salons... i hate that.
today was also a day for shopping. i went to brea& got gifts for John and William. i also got a bright green shirt dress for myself that says "peace" on it in brilliant, metallic colors. actually, it's supposed to be a t-shirt, but i got an extra large so i can wear it as a shirt dress. i don't think i've gotten a shirt that's actually my size in a very long time-- i suppose i've gotten really into longer, more loose styles. i saw Megan at brea, too. that was interesting.
anywho. wrapping John& William's gifts was incredibly difficult. i got them both these ginormous (hey, they're really tall) black jackets that are nice and cuddly from the Gap (98 bucks each-- they better appreciate it, those wankers). they're also very poofy. which is great when you wear them, but try fitting them into a gift box. even the largest one they had at the store. i forced them in eventually and straight-jacketed them with scotch tape, but i still thing that the boxes are going to explode when they're opened. oh well. all's fun.
anyway. tomorrow, i'm going to breakfast with friends, then John& William's party, then Neha's party. i'm going to be exhausted but wooot. all's fun. and full of love. all's full of love.



but i'm in the mood for a dirty party. not the nicey-nice parties of people who have not yet crashed into life. i want to go to a club. or a rave. something. anything with loud music and minimal light. and lots of people.

almost faded lets just go

crap beans tonight was FUN. and it was clean too! . wow beans. sober for 3 months 21 days.
journalism people are awesome sometimes.
and Dominique! you missed out after you left...
i beat Marin twice at pool, but before that Kevin and Anahita and i went on an adventure and walked around the neighborhood through all the little paths in the condo area and we found this little baby field of grass ! it was so pretty, just this flat little thing, all bare and green with a few lampposts and a sign that said that the area was for residents only. but we didn't care.
and! we found a shopping cart in the shadows. it was creepy at first, but then it was cool. we played with it and rolled it around.
so, that was our adventure.
then we came back and played pool. and just chilled.
oh yeah-- Dominique, i don't think you saw Mr. Roubian do his hand stand either. but people took pictures, so. he really did it. stood on his head. it was awesome beans.

anyway. Kevin's nice. really nice. and he said he'd call me later-- there's a giant rave on new years eve that he's going to, and i'd like to tag along. it sounds crazy fun, and he gives nice hugs.

wow. i needed tonight.
i might go out later, maybe around 3. Paul sent me an email, which is weird since... he never sends emails.
interesting how guys sometimes do things that aren't characteristically comfortable just for a fuck -_-

screech

today was the last day of school. i feel like starting a revolution.
going to go get ready for the journalism party. let's live it up, folks.

peace

it's a little after five in the morning. the world seems lazy, & the morning tastes wonderful.

inferiority-complex just grows

today was gate day at school. that was interesting. oh, and my apeuro test crushed me. and after school i had a lesson with Dave. which was really more like therapy session.

red red red

Let us be very clear, we are not winning the war... this year we had more than 2.9 million new infections in Africa alone.
— Michael Sidibe
(head of country and regional support for the United Nations Program on HIV/AIDS, speaking on the pandemic's impact on the continent)

on the railroad tracks we kissed

i went to valley blvd with my mom today. which was weird. i feigned innocence and acted as if i've never been to the mexican restaurant and as if i was unfamiliar to the sound of the trains there. except i think the guy at Mikasa recognized me but didn't say anything since i wasn't with a bunch of other people, for once. anyway. that was okay. even though we were supposed to go shopping-- i think we're going friday instead. which.. sucks. but, whatever.

black coffee in the veins of my eyes.

i wish my fragility was at least beautiful

run run run

my promise to myself is to lose weight. a lot of it. enough to get to sample size and to 34-24-34.

nocturna

she aged to fifteen in a way that made her feel unwell.

today was the winter concert thing. that went as okay as it could. and after i came home, read a little bit, and listened to Chopin for two hours. i'm in that kind of mood today. i need to get started on my homework, though. seriously...

my father says

"the most terrifying thing in this world is man"

amour.

for Dominique.

ink pen on copy paper; freehand.

you must not know.

i'm not going to complain any more about life. and it doesn't matter if i'm sad because there are plenty of pretty leaves. so screw everything.
m-- winter concert thing @ 7 in the theatre.
t-- shopping
w-- lesson with Dave and maybe out with people to Joanne's to jack their fabric. then out with Paul
th-- minimum day! party @ Henna's and then maybe out with Paul.
f-- party @ William's and then maybe out with Paul.
s-- Neha's part @ DB Center. shall we dance?

let the games begin.

& someone remind me that all i'm allowed to consume is water and black coffee.


i wish i was free.

let's break.

my mother found out that i smoke.

i'm sick of lying &

nothing in the world seems beautiful today.

but smile if you want. i'm sure it makes some of you feel better.

live it up.

coffee& cigarettes&gum& ice water.

show show show

i'm sad today.

every time you close your eyes.

just got back from working on !mpact with Angela& Eric. that was that. we got some pages done, and i like the layouts. so, it's good.

i think i've listened to Arcade Fire's Rebellion about thirty times today.

it frees me a little bit. and these days i'm kind of in need of freeing.

anyway. how's everybody? i hope you're all quite dandy.

i think that tomorrow, i'll put up a sign that says "everything will be okay" somewhere in the neighborhood.

time

i hurt at impermanence today.

sleep& dream.

i'm tired & why does my body have such a high tolerance for caffeine.
coffee doesn't work any more. but i need to get all this work done. damn AP Euro. damn Chemistry and my tendency to put the things i hate to do at the bottom of the list. i want to sleep. i want to dream; i haven't in a while. i like the idea of slipping into the depth of my subconscious like that, for just a little bit. even though i usually feel as if i'm wasting time when i sleep for too long. but a few hours might be nice at the moment...

lire.

i was at my calc tutor's today and some random guy whose name i don't even know tells me "man, you look really tired." and i said thanks, smiled, and moved on. today was an okay day. read a lot, so that was good. i'm having trouble writing, though. the words won't come.
current reads:
Satire: That Blasted Art edited by Clark and Motto
J.D. Salinger, Revisited by Warren French
Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (for school)
they're all very very excellent. i would recommend them in a heartbeat. although, i suppose the recommendation would depend on the recipient, i mean, i wouldn't recommend a book on Salinger to my mother, for one thing... ha.
oh. and i got a hundred on my French essay on Cyrano de Bergerac. i also got a hundred on my essay involving constant themes in Fahrenheit 451, Lord of the Flies, and Julius Caesar. although, i wouldn't think much of the latter-- it wasn't all that difficult. just interesting. my English teacher left a comment, saying that i have a "sassy" way of writing... whatever that means...

well, i breathed today and had a lot of nicorette. i've also revised my dieting plan and had some fun with Chris. of course, there's a load of homework in front of me, but i think i'll go read some of the satire book; it's quite amusing.





leaves were on the ground today, and i kept thinking of the definition of home.


oh-- and during English, we were also discussing metaphysical poetry; the teacher asked "Do you guys believe in true love?" (we were talking about Donne's Forbidding Mourning) and i immediately blurted out "no." a bit loudly. it wasn't that loud, it's just that compared to the silence coming from everyone else... well, at least i made some people laugh.

bones

working for the church while your family dies
little baby sister gonna lose her mind
every spark of friendship and love will die without a hope

hear the soldier's groan

all quite and alone

oh leaves

more pretty little things that make me smile.