i take your clothes off and they fall reluctantly, as if they know how much of an honor it is to be on your body.

.


thanksgiving
was nice--dinner with jennifer and lisa. food is overwhelming. we went for a walk/smoke later and talked.

i'm thankful for my friends. i'm thankful for lily, mary, dominique and neha. rick, beautiful rick, and chris--forever my chris. and i'm thankful for mayur mayur mayur. mayur, idiotic mayur.

i'm thankful for family. my sisters. my mother. my father.




and i'm thankful for the beautiful things; the things that i know exist in this world, even though often they are hidden by other, more saddening things.


.

mary mary. sweet mary.

.


it's raining outside.
it makes me want to weep.
the world is new.





it has been a while, my loves. my hearts. my souls.

since i've been gone i've
rekindled a friendship and
discussed having a romantic relationship with said friend
although i really think i like
someone else
who is too old and too uninterested and too...
nice
for me.


keeping my shirt on didn't do much good.




chuck palahniuk said that "when you're an addict, you can go without feeling anything except drunk or stoned or hungry. still, when you compare this to other feelings to sadness anger, fear, worry, despair, and depression, well, an addiction no longer looks so bad. it looks like a very viable option."
i am addicted to cigarettes, staying awake, sex, coffee, self-destructive behavior, writing, painting, and chris.
but. like chuck said. compared to everything else, i'm fine with what i've got.

keeps the monsters at bay.













i will post more-- promise.

secret heart...

.

... why so mysterious ?





i... am unsure. last time, i did this to keep him. i offered myself physically and made myself into temptation in order to ensure that he would stay. i used my body to keep him close to me, and we fucked in my room, the window open and the sun bright. it was too bright for me. i've rarely felt so dirty and vulnerable before. i saw everything, his facial expression and the clenched jaw. it was the worst.
and now, this time, i can't be positive that i'm not doing it again. it's been a year since we've spoken, emotions have been either erased or sufficiently subdued, but i'm still relatively frightened of him, or more frightened of what he is capable of making me feel. so when i kiss him, i don't know whether or not it's because i'm insecure. i don't even know how secure i am. i want to put my fingers on his lips and whisper that i'm scared; but he'd only tell me not to be, that it will be different, and i won't really believe him.

i told him i wasn't confused. i think i lied.









.

YES, WE CAN

sometimes we sit close and i scheme to get closer to you

.




WHEW .

fri/sat: halloween-- HARD FEST. justice, crystal castles, soulwax, crookers, simian, etc. my ears are still ringing in this beautiful, beautiful way. this is going to keep me happy for the rest of the fucking month.
then, SAT IIs. pfffft.
then, LILY. and unurban and.. gigi? and smoking too much and too much coffee and not enough eating, or sleeping, for that matter...
and... galactic violet birds.






3:23 i went crazy.

you just have no fucking idea how amazing it was...