secret heart...

.

... why so mysterious ?





i... am unsure. last time, i did this to keep him. i offered myself physically and made myself into temptation in order to ensure that he would stay. i used my body to keep him close to me, and we fucked in my room, the window open and the sun bright. it was too bright for me. i've rarely felt so dirty and vulnerable before. i saw everything, his facial expression and the clenched jaw. it was the worst.
and now, this time, i can't be positive that i'm not doing it again. it's been a year since we've spoken, emotions have been either erased or sufficiently subdued, but i'm still relatively frightened of him, or more frightened of what he is capable of making me feel. so when i kiss him, i don't know whether or not it's because i'm insecure. i don't even know how secure i am. i want to put my fingers on his lips and whisper that i'm scared; but he'd only tell me not to be, that it will be different, and i won't really believe him.

i told him i wasn't confused. i think i lied.









.