this is a restless night we face, isn't it.

damn straight, but we're young& we've got fire on our side,
so fuck all and run.



my eyes have been blood red all day, which has led to A thinking that i'm completely faded, and J looking at me funny.



this is going to be another long post.



today (which is now yesterday, since it's now past 2am):
told my mother that i was sicker than i really am, crawled back to bed& woke up around noon. turned off the stove that my mother forgot to check on. the rice cake didn't burn, though--it oddly turned to mush.
@ around 6pm, i went out with R.
i never really know where i'll end up when i go out with R.
we ended up in venice. he needed to go to the municipal court around there to clear something up for a ticket, and so we went to the beach at night, which is something we need to do more often.
got a pair of shades in black and gold. R got two white ones. that boy is always a stickler for white sunglasses.
we trekked down the boardwalk, hoods up and cigarettes clamped in our mouths. i convinced him to get closer to the water, so we walked across the sand barefooted and sat down to watch the tide. the sun was almost done for the day; we watched the sky fade, slowly and with excruciatingly beautiful colors.
the water looked silver. it was so violent and i couldn't hear anything but the waves crashing and the sound of the wind.
i was at peace, with the wind so cold and R's arm around me, hand tucked against the crook of my neck to keep his fingers from going numb.
we stayed until the sun was completely gone, lying down eventually, getting sand in our hair, and talking about things that i can't recall.
when we walked back, we saw the moon. "do you see the rabbit in the moon?" "yeah, i can see it's little ears."
we got back to the car, discovered that he got another parking ticket, cursed the police and damned the fucking po-po's to hell and then attempted to find unurban for half an hour, driving along pico. we were too caffeine starved to care that we couldn't find it, though, so we just drove back to db and hit starbucks before going to fullerton to C and J's house.
they were all smoking weed, or, M was smoking weed. and watching south park.
i pet the cat.
when we went out with C and A to for a cig, we talked... about something concerning profanity on the radio. "i don't get why you can't say shit on the radio when you can say bitch or ass." ""because bitch and ass have technical definitions." "there you go. see, G you're too smart to hang."
I know that's just A being A, but it ... alienates me... when he says things like that. earlier we were discussing my schedule. he asked me what time i get out this year. i said i go 0-6 with 6 APs. "you're a strong girl, G."
fuck, man. that's just the way i run.
they all played rock band, and i crawled on the couch, found a blanket that i decided to steal as soon as i unfolded it, wrapped it around my neck and went in search of J.
when i found him, i asked him, "do you guys have any tea?" "no. i actually don't believe in drinking tea." he tripped out the cat by spinning him on a chair until i told him to stop. poor Lenny.
i uncovered J's yearbook. we spent a good deal of time looking though it, even though he told me not to. R joined us eventually. and M. i laid down on M and R laid down on me and J got up and started kind of ranting about cleaning, or something...shit, i don't know.
J is beautiful. you have to understand that. he's the boy who can't forget about the girl who got away, who wants to be a playwright, who's more close than open, even though a lot of people see him as a window they can jump out of.
R had a cig in J's room before everyone went out to smoke. we were standing around in a circle; some guy who had joined us an hour before named Mo found out i'm still in high school; we talked about museums& acid trips; some people drifted to look at the cat in the window, and i realized that... maybe these guys need to hang out with girls more often. even though they're so fun the way they are. i'm the only girl whenever i see them, and they need more estrogen around them... and i'm not really one to do that.
R and i left shortly after. i held out both hands to J as i was leaving and he gave me double high fives before he turned his hands to me and i hit them both. he winced and said "i sliced my fingers open today," and showed me his two hello kitty bandages.
i told R that when he goes for his morning walk with J tomorrow, he should tell him that i like him.
"he's so cute."
"oh, G."