mountains sweating from the weight of the sky

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written in less than 2 minutes, then performed for poetry club today at lunch:


what did you say?
"i'd like you to kiss my marrow
lick it and love it
in that lavish way you do."

that's what you said, so i did.
then i came up to breathe with
lips stained and wet-- the sheen
of red brick colored rust,
young blood,
sweet and metallic,
orgasmic and agonizing.

i drank it up.
all because you said.






...












my friendship with him is the most self-taxing aspects of my life right now. every time he becomes involved in with another girl, a great dissent occurs in our relationship that, to me, is heartbreaking in that regardless of the fact that i know him better and i've been closer to him longer, i'm, once again, a lower priority. maybe it's just the different value placed on friendship by women and men. the former tends to value friendship more, i think. they tend to grasp the tremendous amount of self-expense required in a deep friendship while, for men, the romantic relationship is always more crucial. it's upsetting, though. we've been friends since i was 11? 12? even younger, maybe, and i've held his hand through so much. when he had problems with his health i remember not being able to sleep because i was worrying as to whether or not he'd be okay. when he had problems with is family i tried my best to be there. and even with everything that happened with his previous girlfriend, i allowed for our friendship to be reaffirmed and cultivated. he expects me to forgive him for everything-- i have, really. and yes, he was there for me too, but because i didn't want to bother him even more with my problems, i stopped telling him about my struggles a long time ago. plus, i can't speak with him or confront him on the same emotional level-- he's monotone and unresponsive. and it's incredibly difficult for me because i don't allow people to be close to me in the first place-- i'm incredibly selective with whom i'm close friends with, and i'm not saying that one enters a friendship in order to receive something in return, but it's just that there seems to be no acknowledgement on his part that i have given so much of myself to him. it feels as though i am the caretaker of the relationship, always, and i am the only one expending any energy into maintaining it. he doesn't speak to me unless i speak to him. and when he does talk to me it's short and insignificant-- barely enough to maintain civility. but-- civility? do i not deserve a bit more than just civility, particularly from him? currently, the friendship is at a stagnant, awkward state. i despise awkward feelings when it comes to friends, or anyone for that matter, and i don't understand why it is that he's allowing for such a disintegration to occur and why he has not yet understood that i am too exhausted and tired of supporting the bridge between us. i want-- it's not just a want-- i need him to understand the worth of my friendship. i don't simply bare myself, vulnerable and entirely emphatic, for just anybody. i don't mean to sound condescending, it's simply a matter of self-worth and, to be honest, dignity. i don't feel as though i have any dignity in this relationship because i'm constantly falling to my knees in front of him only to try and get his attention. i can't even call that a true friendship. and no, he's not exactly mature. and he's not exactly intelligent. and he's not exactly articulate. and i'm aware that i don't say that i love him, but in my opinion, through my actions towards him, isn't it obvious that i care for him more than i do myself, even? is it not obvious that i value him? but now i have to force myself to question why i value him. perhaps because we cemented our friendship when we were so young and i was yet more open to being friends with just anybody, i made the initial mistake of being friends with him at all because to tell you the truth, we're entirely incompatible. and such tension has now become so palpable and destructive that i receive nothing from the relationship but anxiety and pain, yet i'm almost sure that he's indifferent to it all. this has never been for me, you know? i've cut at my skin and taken my blood to replenish his, i've tried-- i've really tried-- to be as best of a friend as possible because i found him to be beautiful in his own right and i just cared so much. i've struggled with the fact that i had to forgive him for things that people are really not forgiven for and i've even gone so far as to allow him to treat me in the same way again. and yet i'm here trying to fix everything, always. i can't do that-- i'm not at the point where i can expend myself so continuously. for the sake of myself and in the effort to protect myself from him, i feel as though i have to sever it. but it makes me nauseous to know that he won't even notice or feel anything towards it whatsoever-- not that i wish pain upon him, but only that the utter lack of acknowledgement and affection, particularly at this stage in the relationship, is too detrimental. i'm giving and giving and i don't mind not receiving, but it's the fact that i'm not giving for any certain reason anymore, and as a result of his indifference and silence, the giving has morphed into wasting. and my feelings are too intense and personal and precious to me to merely throw away. but i feel like that's exactly what i'm doing, because i'm not reaching him, since he obviously doesn't care whether or not i do. i don't want to cause him pain or anger him by confronting him and trying to explain why i need to break away, but i he doesn't respond at all and i'm always placed in the position where i have to consciously try to maintain his interest in the matter. so what am i supposed to do when i can't even get him to listen to me; this same person who instigated the erosion my own sense of self-worth while i still clung to him, wishing that he'd pay attention and, quite simply, be a good friend.











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