i will try to fix you.

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my current sunday school teacher is male.
i've never had a male teacher before at church. when i was younger and an adamant feminist, i would at times find the gender division in sunday school to be unjust, wondering why we couldn't simply all have class together.
now, i'm still just as passionate about female rights, but i've realized-- most likely as a result of my intellectual growth-- that the separation, specifically because it's sunday school, is crucial. for one thing, it's an entirely different dynamic with girls in comparison to boys, and i'm not saying one is better than the other, but in an environment that concentrates on matters so close to one's essence, like spirituality and faith, the natural differences between men and women can't be ignored. and i think that i'm realizing this to such a degree because of our age-- junior year of high school is, in my opinion, rather significant in our development as young adults, not only because of the academic strain from the school year but because of our progress with maturity and emotional development; we're not yet the supposedly adult seniors that are preparing to embark on their college careers, yet we're no longer the immature underclassmen that we were less than a year ago. i can feel it, as hackneyed as it sounds-- this year seems so much more ambiguous and emotive than previous years. i think differently. and i'm sure that it's not only me.
i know that i would never claim to be a firm christian and that my journey with my faith has involved entanglements that i have yet to rid myself of, but church has been for me a certain form of sanctuary where i can be emotionally at peace within myself. no, i'd never openly discuss my problems with my sunday school class, and i still can't call myself close to them even though i've known the majority of them for my entire life, but i at least don't have to alter my disposition. i don't have to worry about judgement-- they might look at me oddly and question my faith, but they don't apply false assumptions and regardless of their level of maturity, every church member has seemed, to me, open to hearing me speak. it's only that i have been thus far unwilling to do so, partly to protect myself and partly to protect them.
this aura of peace hasn't been marred, but it seems.. interrupted, somehow lessened by the abrupt presence of males. and my teacher, although he's understanding and he seems to be a nice enough person, is a male, after all, and it's through no fault of his own, but he simply won't be able to completely connect with his female students, and i'm afraid that this year, some of us girls will need an older, influential and spiritually right person to guide them. i'm sure he'll be helpful and open to leading us in whatever way he can, but there's only so much a man can do to understand and heal a female psyche-- the two genders may as well be different species, you know? neither is inferior, just drastically different.
also, i'm worried about dissension amongst the girls as well. we haven't necessarily been... close. maybe it's only me-- i know that some of them are good friends, but as an overall group i've never felt a stable cohesiveness that may have allowed us to open up to each other. we've always been guarded, and i can't say that i really know any of them, and i've been attending this church ever since i was born-- in fact, the church itself was founded the same year; my mother is one of the oldest members and i've never gone to a different institution-- ever elder knows my name and my mothers, and so many adults have seen me grow since i was an infant. none of them know me, really, but my family's name has been a constant in the church's directory since its creation in spite of my father not being a member.
during our sophomore year, the girls had finally seemed, although the difference was meager and not necessarily profound, to be allowing each other into the lives of one another. we had finally taken a step towards the center of the circle, the circumference of which we had been loitering on for so long, looking at each other with indifferent gazes. and i'm... just afraid of that being for nothing. afraid that this year will bring further steps back.

it's odd. everyone who knows me wouldn't consider me to be someone who acts like a christian. and i don't; i don't say that i do. but that doesn't mean i'm not spiritual, and that doesn't mean that i don't struggle tremendously with my faith and beliefs. and i do think about these things. rather often, actually.









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