more than once

.




and here she is !
the gorgeous one:









i saw him and her today. i saw them kiss and i saw them--- i saw him-- smile. and laugh. he hasn't done that in such a way in front of me for so long...
and we didn't say one word to each other. not a single one throughout the entire night. i had a migraine that made me feel as though my brain was literally suffering third degree burns, but even worse than that was the weight in my blood from just watching them.
it's interesting; i've never wanted him romantically. we've never had such an entanglement, but i think that simply because of the sheer amount of caring that i've exercised towards him for the past six years, knowing that he chooses not to talk to me and gives me flimsy excuses, knowing that i can no longer make him happy, knowing that he no longer wants me to make him happy, and is indifferent to it, even...
indifference is worse than hate. it really is. hate actually requires attention and a conscious effort towards feeling so much for the said person. but indifference, the idea of just not giving a damn as to whether or not someone lives or dies, hurts or not...
and i don't understand how. or when. six years and suddenly he's indifferent.
i wanted to cry. but my head hurt too much and my eyes wouldn't focus. she kept looking at me, and he tried not to.
life seems to be getting lonelier.









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