i got into all-state. yay.
but i had my all-southern audition today. oh. my. god.
not kidding. the sight reading was frickin' hellish.
i don't think i'm going to get in this year.
i saw Dane there. it was awkward. i've never really been... comfortable around him, for lack of a better explanation.
my mom laughed and said that it's because we're alike, Dane and I.
which is ridiculous.
but then she said "you're both mean and sarcastic. but smart."
thanks.
i had a long talk with my mom on the way home from La Crescenta. we talked about school and universities and stuff.
it's weird because my parents have never paid an interest in my academic career before now. but i guess they're getting freaked out since for once in my life i don't have straight A's.
anyway. i kind of got to thinking about how much i've screwed things up. and how much i wish i was still that motivated geek who wanted to go to Princeton before going to study in a hundred different schools... don't get me wrong, i still want to study for the rest of my life, but it's not the same anymore... i have less faith in myself, i suppose. and in god. and in my friends and family. i guess it's half growing up and half my personality... which brings up something else that my mother and i talked about... i'm beginning to realize how much i'm like my father. i always thought that i resembled my mom, but i guess that's just my looks, or something... and i always wondered how my mother settled to be housewife when she's... brilliant, really, and well-educated. she says that there are people in the world that have dreams and goals and aren't happy unless they reach those goals, and that there are people who just do their best in the present and are content with what they have. she says that she and my younger sister are the latter and that my father and i are the former, always dreaming about bigger things. she also says that we tend to look for negative things; flaws and such... i suppose that's true. so in the end, i asked "so, does this mean that i'll never be happy." and she just sighed and said "just try to be positive."
but hey, i am positive. i'm just honest. if i know that i can't do something, or if i'm not as smart as people think i am, then i just say it and admit the truth. i'm not going to go around saying that i'm something that i'm not. for god's sake. i'm overrated. i know that. and i'm just waiting for the optimists and the biased asian parents to realize that i'm not the picture-perfect daughter. jesus.
anyway. basically my mom says that i shouldn't complain about being thought of as smart. supposedly, people look at my goals and then judge that i'm some prodigy, because if i want to be so much and acheive the impossible, then i must be good, right?
note that i'm scoffing right now as i type this.
i feel so judged.
i could go on and on about this topic. there's so much else to say.
but whatever. maybe i'll have a revelation in five minutes and decide to be studious and future-oriented again-- give up drugs and all of the things that have littered my life these days...
or maybe i'll just sink further.
i don't know. i don't know anything, really.
