SCINTILLA

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I just want to live with myself
And enjoy the Good I owe Heaven,
Alone, with no witnesses,
Free of love, jealousy,
Hatred, hopes and suspicion.

--Fray Luis de Leon










At times I sympathize with my mother. At times my father is insensitive. Most of the time I just wish he believed in God. I never really understood the difficulty of being married to someone who is of a different faith, and still, I can't say that I fully understand it, but sometimes I think that I can relate. Or empathize.
Religion... faith... constitutes so much of who you are. The beliefs that ground you, morally and emotionally, the tenets that guide you subconsciously throughout every action you make--it all defines you. And when you choose to be with someone for the rest of your life, you allow that person to define you too. And when that part of you meets your faith, and they don't agree... you lose so much of yourself and your effort. Life becomes tolerance, this enormous, taxing effort to maintain your beliefs while committing to someone who doesn't understand, or doesn't accept them. You become that much more vulnerable. My mother can't go to choir practice without feeling guilty to my father. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't respect her beliefs at all.
I love them both. But it's difficult to not take sides at times like this. And in regard to how this affects me... I don't know. Everyone who knows me outside of my family can pretty much assume that I don't lead a Christian lifestyle: I have casual sex, I've tried nearly every drug out there, I have the mouth of a damned sailor and my Bible is dusty, to say the least. Yes, I do to church, but I feel that it's more to please my mother than anything else; I struggle tremendously with my faith.
Maybe some of the reasoning behind it is because my parents are both so different in their beliefs. My mother tries her best and she's the most amazing, faithful role model I have. But my father isn't spiritual at all. I feel like my identity in regard to my faith is thus divided.



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