i wish i could be vulnerable more often than i can afford

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tension, release, tension, release

maybe i am the selfish one. maybe i am the jealous one. i know people who have never experienced the feeling of jealousy in their lives. i am one than feels it more often that i'd like to.
maybe i have every reason to do so.
maybe i have no reason to do so.
sometimes i want to be liberated from myself. especially from my thoughts and the dense, complicated matter that clings to the inside of my skull. but i can smell, constantly, the rust from the metal shackles that bind me down, keeping me from jumping when i want to, keeping me from dancing when i want to. all i can do is use my voice, sing old beatles songs and whisper things that i wish were my secrets.
but sometimes i can't even do that. or it's not enough.

sometimes i sing and the voice echoes maniacally, morphs into something else that i would never call my own; nonetheless it reveals to me the hurt of my nation and the weaknesses that i really, really hope i will be able to overcome.


this morning i went to love and came back.
then later on in the evening, after studying at chang's for a few hours, i went out with rick, met up with al and mike. i drew a lion on a pillar and wrote "RAWR" next to it. al asked why asian girls always do that.
how should i know.
i wrote lenore kandel words on rick's stomach.
smoked maybe 8 cigarettes.
had a venti americano.

then i came back home and took a two hour long shower, one hour of which i just sat in the shower stall, letting the soap suds and cold water slide my body down.
it was that kind of day.
i scrubbed my body raw today. the washcloth was grey at times, the bathroom smelled like vanilla.
most people don't scrub both legs at once. so after i'm done scrubbing my left leg, i stretched my leg out, and it was funny how it was slightly, oh so slightly lighter than the right one.
made me smile.










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