night designed for me.

.


hours spent at mr. chang's: 13
time of departure: 4am
number keys to the rooms to the number of students: 1 to 5
number of cups of coffee: 4
number of energy drinks: 2
number of cups of black tea: 1
number of times i listened to rachmaninoff's concerto in c minor: 8
number of physics chapters reviewed: 17
number of cigarettes smoked: 15
number of hours of having been awake: 91

in the middle of it all, i complimented tenny's shirt, but he didn't hear me. then at some time i told andrew a story of electro the mouse and his darling squirrel. i shivered in raw wind for twenty minute intervals, passing through handfuls of smokes. i lusted and feared failure, yawned and could not fall asleep, moaned at the pointlessness of it all and the brilliance of wagner.
the room reeked of males and of cigarettes. formulas swam before my eyes and soft deep voices in fluttering korean, startling laughter...
pleasant night of studying.

then i went to school and it really did strike me, the utter lack of significance in all of this. utterly failed the physics final.

damn this. fuck me.












have you every felt the winter fade as you cling for light, felt the river in the past washing away everything but your sin. you are left with regret and all the things that weren't meant to be kept. looking up stars and no peace; scorn and condemn. but i will be with you. let yourself go. the world is precious if we are both in this. i will be with you.





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