well this is just shittastic.

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haven't updated in a while.


i'm in a very pessimistic mood today, overwrought with exhaustion and irritation. i apologize for seeming immature if i do, just know that i haven't had it easy this week.

the workload is steadily increasing. and as much as i enjoy being occupied, it worries me that i have to sacrifice so much of what made me as an individual for all this effort toward achieving an academic goal.
i barely write anymore. my journal lays untouched for days and it's been an atrociously long time since i've sat down and painted freely.
i can't read without being rushed, i only listen to music when i'm in bed--if i'm ever in bed.

plus i don't have as much sex and i don't go out with friends.
although i have decided to remain abstinent until the end of the school year; a personal ambition.

i have horrible timing with those. first i give up all the drugs that fueled me last year. then i choose to try and lose 20 pounds, stay sober, give up sex, overachieve with every extracurricular activity and excel as much as possible in academics all at once. what the fuck is wrong with me; why is it that i think i can hold that much pressure without detonating.

no idea.









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