willow

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I really love this image.











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well this is just shittastic.

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haven't updated in a while.


i'm in a very pessimistic mood today, overwrought with exhaustion and irritation. i apologize for seeming immature if i do, just know that i haven't had it easy this week.

the workload is steadily increasing. and as much as i enjoy being occupied, it worries me that i have to sacrifice so much of what made me as an individual for all this effort toward achieving an academic goal.
i barely write anymore. my journal lays untouched for days and it's been an atrociously long time since i've sat down and painted freely.
i can't read without being rushed, i only listen to music when i'm in bed--if i'm ever in bed.

plus i don't have as much sex and i don't go out with friends.
although i have decided to remain abstinent until the end of the school year; a personal ambition.

i have horrible timing with those. first i give up all the drugs that fueled me last year. then i choose to try and lose 20 pounds, stay sober, give up sex, overachieve with every extracurricular activity and excel as much as possible in academics all at once. what the fuck is wrong with me; why is it that i think i can hold that much pressure without detonating.

no idea.









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17 candles

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birthday went like this:
six minutes past midnight, mayur sends me a birthday message and we talk for a couple hours online/on the phone...
in first period, richard gives me a chocolate meringue that he baked for me (i shared it with mr. gunderson :] he wished me happy birthday!) with a biodegradable, corn starch spoon
during brunch mayur hugged me. and george. i got a hug from george! georgie!
various birthday wishes throughout the day
during lunch called rick, woke him up from sleeping and he agreed to get my a pack of parliaments and a pack of djarum blacks for my birthday.
and after school i went with my family for dinner before going out for frozen yogurt and bingeing on food food food
came home for cake. tiramisu.
neha dropped by, having stolen her dad's mercedes, and gave me another tiramisu cake. she stayed and we talked about coachella and lollapalooza and rage and yelle and all them crazy fools we desperately want to see.
and we talked about college.
shit. intense shit.
and she just left. i love neha.
so, now i'm home and ready to start studying...

gift from my father:
full dvd set of coffee prince (:O); a rose; a very nice, fancy pen
gift from my mother:
a grey blouse jacket from french connection (:O); silver metallic shoes from franco sarto; a knit tank from st. john (:O)
gift from my sister:
money to pay for the monokini i want, which will most likely be my gift to myself, along with that tattoo i want...










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the heart has but one mouth

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current read: War All the Time, poems 1981-1983 [Charles Bukowski]
current listen: Symphony No. 4 [Tchaikovsky]... and Animals Were Gone [Damien Rice]



Yesterday, Noah made me laugh harder than I have in a long time.
I asked him to hold my cigarettes in his pocket for a minute, and he looked at me and said
I have no pockets!
What--boys always have pockets.
Nah man, I had to change my pants 'cause I spilled chocolate on them
How exactly do you spill chocolate?
It was melted!
Why were you eating melted chocolate?
It melted in the car because it's so damn HOT today. I was driving and at the stop sign I was trying to open the packet and it just fell on my pants, man. And is was REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUPS. Yo, those things just plop on your clothes.
Did you say fuck when it happened?
Yeah man!

I think Noah looks like too sweet of a little Korean boy to talk to Black, if you know what I mean.





Today I went out for coffee with some of my friends before coming to school. Thank the Lord for late start days. Mr. Gunderson ate some of my Pretzel Snaps during class today, and later on I got my Day of Silence t-shirt.

Yum.









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I'm very sick of having faith in everyone.

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Since my last post, I
finished another journal
spent ten hours making a mock movie trailer
wrote reply letter to Lily
most likely gained back half the pounds that I lost.

Really must exercise more self control...









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His words shipwrecked in my ear
and taught me something about
the exhaustion that comes
with having faith in everyone.




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october leaves.

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Today.
Woke up rather early (11:25, which is early considering I went to sleep at 6 in the morning), saw my mother and sisters off--they went to Glendale to visits my paternal grandparents.
Then I had a cup of freshly brewed coffee, hugged myself and tapped a high B flat on the piano as I walked past it. I went up to the balcony and had a couple smokes with my coffee while reading some more of Vonnegut. Then I came back downstairs and watched Korean drama while finishing the rest of Art History. Then I nearly froze to death when I went swimming (eegads I need to lose much more weight before I even look decent in a swimming suit). I did stay in the water for over an hour, though.
After swimming I didn't bother showering because I showered at 5 in the morning. I had more coffee and started re-reading Persuasion while sitting on top of the bathroom counter.





On today's soundtrack:





... yes. It's been that kind of day.





You know friends, my birthday's approaching rather quickly, and although these bathing suits are ridiculously expensive, I honestly wouldn't mind only receiving one gift from five of you pooling your money together...

Lux Light of Day Monokini



Insight Robot Monokini





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je veux te voir dans un film pornographique

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I spent the day home alone, with all the windows open, in a long-sleeved shirt of my father's and blue/white print boxers from target.
I smoked seven cigarettes while reading Kurt Vonnegut's Armageddon in Retrospect on the balcony, listening to Parisian electronica. I drank several liters of coffee and ate way too much before showering and glaring at my abdomen as I washed my hair upside down.
I need to fast until the end of spring break. That will give me five days. Perfect.
I felt even more voluptuous as I watched Atonement. The effing DVD says that it's widescreen, but it's not. I was peeved by that for a moment until I got into the movie again and realized that it doesn't really matter all that much, and regardless, it's an amazing film. I cried, blew my nose and let the end credits run while I slipped outside for another cigarette.
I've just finished writing more of my short story and am now talking with Lily online, realizing that in regard to school work or anything like that I haven't done anything significant today... must get to that.

Yesterday I went to Fullerton College with Rick to sit in on his philosophy class. The professor was hilarious and a cute brown-haired boy with staggered writing was sitting next to me. He was using the same pen that I was, so I tapped it with mine and smiled. He smiled back.
Afterwards we went for coffee, talked about Daft Punk and then went to Birch but the movie times for 21 were funky. So we 411'd Harkins in Chino and decided to go there.
Before that, though, we went to the Brea mall so he could stop by at Gap and get some chapstick. It's fucking four dollars for chapstick at Gap. As pretty as it is, I would never. But he gets 50% off for employee discount.
Still. Two fucking dollars for an itty bitty chapstick.
And fuck; Rick works at Gap. Simultaneously oddly surprising and expected.
Then we went to go watch 21.









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glowing sun

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Everyone watch, it will curve your lips upward, softly and with truth:












Glosoli
. by Sigur Ros
















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A shallow rift,
unbroken feet,
a duller sound, and water.

Allow me this.

For I am overjoyed,
bled and crouched, fetal,
having rode the crest
of a wave
into a mouth
of weakened glass.



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potty mouth.

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Today I said the word SHIT really loud in front of Mr. Gunderson. Then I said the word FUCK really loud in front of him.
At the second one, him and Jacob Hamilton and Ian Stewart started going hey/woah/jeez and Mr. Gunderson said,
"Hey, there are ladies present."

Oops.









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