i look around and think "this is everything i know."

but i learn rather quickly.


we went to any place we could find that was off limits, climbing fences, skirting barbed wire and cursing all along. we drove ourselves nearly mad in the half-black light, trying to move, trying not to shiver. finally we ended up in a dirty corner of a neighborhood that smelled like crude waste and sweat. we stopped and leaned against each other, catching up with time, slowing our breaths. he said, don't let anyone catch a glimpse of you when you're not thinking--the void will be apparent in your eyes. i looked back at him, grimaced with the pain in my sides from running, and spit on the floor. both of us should stop smoking, we could have gotten further if only we could run faster. yeah, he said, but the distance doesn't matter--as long as it's dark.











i was watching Atonement the other day--another one of those beautiful joe wright movies that always distract me from the writing by forcing gorgeous, irresistible images into my mind. there's a line that briony uses to explain the ease of writing: "...if you write a story, you only have to say the word ‘castle’ and you can see the towers and the woods and the village below..."
maybe because she's just a little girl at the time, and thus her thoughts must be simpler, but i completely disagree with her. yes, if i write the word "castle," you see all these things, but it's up to the writer to add the layers of emotion and significance that can't be visually perceived through reading. and that's what makes writing so hard. i say "bruise," but it takes me several sentences more to explain why the bruise truly hurts, and what receiving it has done to me. i say "song," and the depth of feeling i allot to that song can't be immediately absorbed...

writing is frustratingly difficult for me these days. and i guess that's one of the reasons why...