ERIC (4)

it strikes me that i truly care about a person when their being angry with me truly affects me.

for instance. chris' anger scares me half to death. this shouldn't really be the case. he's not necessarily a big person, and i could probably hurt him if i tried. i'm also more articulate and more of a bitch than he is. but when he's angry i get quiet and avoid him and feel abnormally scared. i used to think that this was a unique case with chris because of his subtle violence. i don't mean this in a negative way, it's just that this guy has a lot of... energy, for lack of a better word, inside him that translates either into passion or violence; violence as in intense, uncontrolled emotion, or small bursts of complete indifference that flare with a stringent light behind his eyes. it's a quality that i love and hate in him that i haven't found in anyone else.

so, i used to think that only his anger affected me this way.
but then there's eric. i think he's only been really mad at me once, and i still have no idea why. he may have been annoyed with me at other times, since i think that i've given him enough reasons to just run in the other direction, but really getting mad? doesn't happen often.
but when he did get mad, just that once, and let me know it, some fragile strand of equal footing snapped and i found myself wondering why the hell i cared so much. i wanted both to hug him and walk away from him, kiss him and slap him, slap myself, run away, yell at someone, anyone... and at the root of it was the same emotion that i feel toward chris when he's angry...i hate it. it makes me feel like i am not enough for my body to contain. it makes me insecure with my understanding of where our relationship stands. it makes me want to take showers and rip pages out of my journals.

sounds rather histrionic.

there aren't many people who make me feel that way. my father. chris. eric. rick, maybe... and i guess that's pretty much it.

this isn't to say that i don't care about other people i my life, its just that these people affect me in a certain way.









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