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i'm considering leaving blogger and reverting to tumblr

what are you thoughts?




so, i find joseph gordon-levitt incredibly, undeniably, and absolutely sexy. i don't know why, but it may be because of his quiet, but probing roles and because of that blasted movie, 10 things i hate about you. he slightly resembles heath ledger, which i noticed when i first saw them both in that film, although, to be honest, i've yet to see the talent in gordon-levitt that we've all seen...saw... in ledger, god bless.

anent to this affection for gordon-levitt, i really want to see 500 days of summer. it looks absolutely heartwarming :] not to mention, zooey deschanel is just... fucking hot.









i'm suspended. as if the crux of a reversing gait is collapsing, as if the sun has not yet decided to fall, as if a potent realization is trembling with anticipation. i'm suspended. in wait.

ERIC (4)

it strikes me that i truly care about a person when their being angry with me truly affects me.

for instance. chris' anger scares me half to death. this shouldn't really be the case. he's not necessarily a big person, and i could probably hurt him if i tried. i'm also more articulate and more of a bitch than he is. but when he's angry i get quiet and avoid him and feel abnormally scared. i used to think that this was a unique case with chris because of his subtle violence. i don't mean this in a negative way, it's just that this guy has a lot of... energy, for lack of a better word, inside him that translates either into passion or violence; violence as in intense, uncontrolled emotion, or small bursts of complete indifference that flare with a stringent light behind his eyes. it's a quality that i love and hate in him that i haven't found in anyone else.

so, i used to think that only his anger affected me this way.
but then there's eric. i think he's only been really mad at me once, and i still have no idea why. he may have been annoyed with me at other times, since i think that i've given him enough reasons to just run in the other direction, but really getting mad? doesn't happen often.
but when he did get mad, just that once, and let me know it, some fragile strand of equal footing snapped and i found myself wondering why the hell i cared so much. i wanted both to hug him and walk away from him, kiss him and slap him, slap myself, run away, yell at someone, anyone... and at the root of it was the same emotion that i feel toward chris when he's angry...i hate it. it makes me feel like i am not enough for my body to contain. it makes me insecure with my understanding of where our relationship stands. it makes me want to take showers and rip pages out of my journals.

sounds rather histrionic.

there aren't many people who make me feel that way. my father. chris. eric. rick, maybe... and i guess that's pretty much it.

this isn't to say that i don't care about other people i my life, its just that these people affect me in a certain way.









http://www.ymdphoto.com/maxwellst/index.html

zombie movies?

tonight i went out with domo to mcclain's for coffee; we caught up on things while she sipped on a snapple and i on an espresso. some guy bummed a cig and said it was gnarly that i smoke unfiltered cigarettes... who uses the word gnarly these days? i guess this guy does. it was nice to talk to domo again; it's always nice to talk to her.

the thing is, i hang out with so much testosterone that when i get to have a nice conversation with a fellow female, it's.. relaxing, in a way.

on the drive home we were discussing the differences between friendships with males and females. i think both of us agree that it's so much.. simpler and easier to have a friendship with a guy. there's much less complication involved, fewer layers of tension and emotion to work through in order to solidify a relationship. but that trait can also be a negative. i have many guy friends, but very few to whom i can really open up. maybe because they're less complicated, they can't understand my complexities. but with the certain girls that i'm friends with, i'm able to talk about subjects of various depth, things that bother and enlighten me both on the surface and in the deepest reaches of my mind. you can't do that with a lot of guys... not to put any guys down. not at all, but even when i hear two boys talking about serious subjects, they don't discuss it with the same explorative and revealing nature that females talk in...



or maybe everything i just said is bullshit.
*shrug*

i look around and think "this is everything i know."

but i learn rather quickly.


we went to any place we could find that was off limits, climbing fences, skirting barbed wire and cursing all along. we drove ourselves nearly mad in the half-black light, trying to move, trying not to shiver. finally we ended up in a dirty corner of a neighborhood that smelled like crude waste and sweat. we stopped and leaned against each other, catching up with time, slowing our breaths. he said, don't let anyone catch a glimpse of you when you're not thinking--the void will be apparent in your eyes. i looked back at him, grimaced with the pain in my sides from running, and spit on the floor. both of us should stop smoking, we could have gotten further if only we could run faster. yeah, he said, but the distance doesn't matter--as long as it's dark.











i was watching Atonement the other day--another one of those beautiful joe wright movies that always distract me from the writing by forcing gorgeous, irresistible images into my mind. there's a line that briony uses to explain the ease of writing: "...if you write a story, you only have to say the word ‘castle’ and you can see the towers and the woods and the village below..."
maybe because she's just a little girl at the time, and thus her thoughts must be simpler, but i completely disagree with her. yes, if i write the word "castle," you see all these things, but it's up to the writer to add the layers of emotion and significance that can't be visually perceived through reading. and that's what makes writing so hard. i say "bruise," but it takes me several sentences more to explain why the bruise truly hurts, and what receiving it has done to me. i say "song," and the depth of feeling i allot to that song can't be immediately absorbed...

writing is frustratingly difficult for me these days. and i guess that's one of the reasons why...

miss me?

damn, it's been a while.
i still haven't unpacked *sheepish*
back from korea & ny & edc. i can't even begin to describe everything that happened. korea and new york were absolutely amazing; definitely the most amazing start to any summer i've had. and edc was just... O_O rolled my ass off and had the time of my life.

for the rest of the summer, i want to go to hard in august, and somehow make a trip to santa barbara... should be fun :]

i need new heels& i need to lose weight.
let's start the day off with a few lines...