unlikely at this point.

want is too complicated. i wish i was free of it, and i wish i really could travel to the edge of the earth and jump, without holding anyone's hand, without screaming, without thinking, just falling and feeling the weight of the world drift upwards, off my shoulders.
i wish i could be so free, just for a moment or two.



maybe because of my deteriorating relationship with my mother, or maybe because i'm so ready to leave, or maybe because i've been trying to quit smoking, i've been kind of down these days. i was walking to school and i passed large outgrowth of honeysuckles; i smelled them before i saw them, and i almost smiled. i love that scent. i was about to light a cigarette, but i felt bad about ruining the smell with the stench of tobacco, so i walked to the other side of the street and lit it before turning around to watch the little yellow and white flowers, softly dancing in the morning breeze. the sun hadn't shed its clouds yet, and i felt this small spark of uninhibited bliss. i realized that i haven't felt that way in a weeks.

whenever i feel like this, i make an effort to find out what the problem is and fix it, get back to my fast-paced self again, but it's not working.

the fact that i need adderall feel halfway decent when taking my AP tests doesn't help. the fact that the season finale of house ended so sadly didn't help.

as of now, i just want to stand in front of a Rothko and lose myself.