wonderful, isn't it

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G: I was thinking about how it hasn't rained yet and how I'm a little scared of it raining. I remember you smelled a lot like rain.
C: When I'm off lockdown, idk when that will be, would you like to hang out or get something to eat one day?




often, i feel uncontrolled; hunger is satisfying because in my mastery over it, i'm assured a sense of satisfaction that is derived from unadulterated denial. i feel composed. i feel focused. i feel like i'm making progress. i feel like i am literally answering to myself and refuting the forces that push me toward chaotic gluttony. i feel sharper and more confident.
maybe that's what i crave-- the confidence. the strength of will that i can hold and lick and devour and possess with incandescent greed. it's mine, and i won't give it to you. it sounds like a sick concept, even to me. but we're all sick. we're all twisted in some form or another. we all crave certain things for entirely impure reasons. we all lie and cheat and whore ourselves. we all relish being degraded in some way or another. we're all voyeurs and exhibitionists, tantalized by the idea of bondage and submission. we all crave power. we all sin whenever we convince ourselves that god can't be watching. we all cry when we realize again that he's always watching. we all take pleasure in pain--our own or that of others. we all curse our deities. we all masturbate. we all enjoy temptation in this glistening, sinful way.

and if you call me a cynic for thinking that way, i'm just going to ask that you prove me wrong.


i'm pretty sure i ate less than 500 calories today. which is good, i suppose. mrs. park saw me and told me that i look like i've lost some weight. which is also good. but i will not stop until my BMI is at least 4 points lower. i refuse to stay so fat. i refuse. i refuse.

but i still feel like i'm getting f a t t e r.






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