the black force in blood that wakes, wakes, wakes

these days i have been forced to judge myself as others would judge me, to worry about how i appear to others. i really hate that. more than anything, i think it degrades my sense of knowing who i am, makes me more detached from myself. i really hate it.


i got back from deadline night. it was stressful, just because feature theme was rather late and a&e needed a lot of touching up. i sat in front of a laptop, working on photoshop for around 45 minutes or so before getting a text from R. i guess he was looking for booze and fun people, but before he found them he came and talked with me for a bit. we sat on the stairs and smoked, then sat on the bleachers and kissed. i told him to stay safe when he left.


the other day, i saw someone that i wasn't prepared to see. you know how there are certain people in your life that you just have to brace yourself for--certain individuals who, because your history with them is so... dense, you have to grit your teeth and tell yourself a few things before you can actually physically face them?
i almost passed him without noticing. but then i saw his nose. i know that nose anywhere. and i bounced down the stairs as softly as i could and peeked. he saw me and i blinked, then left. he was on the phone. as i was walking back up, i heard his footsteps behind me and started to climb the stairs faster, and when i got to the top, i turned around, and there he was, coming back up. he has a green t-shirt on. his hair looked darker than i remembered. it had grown out again. he waved. i gave as much of a smile as i could. someone called him from the gate and he said "that's my cousin"
i nodded and left, not really turning to see if he had gone.
over a year of not speaking to each other, and then, "that's my cousin"
the encounter disoriented me for the rest of the day. you know how you get that out-of-body feeling--you feel as if you are an illusion, a meaningless blob of barely functioning blubber. weak bones. it was disheartening, but also a relief that i wasn't drastically affected. i wasn't crying or shaking or thinking of old memories. that was the best part: seeing him but being able to keep myself from actually thinking about him.


right now its 215am. i'm sketching, writing a bit. then i'll sleep a few hours and wake up in time to finish some work before rehearsal tomorrow.
my exhaustion is reaching an unreasonable extent.