sing quietly

.

are you doing her

.





at times i need to be loved... more than once.
those times, sadness paints me inside and out,
sweeping brushstrokes across the plain of my bones.
but then some fallible sense of carelessness tries furiously
to rub it away.

i danced today. listening to sigur ros.
conducting some 70 piece orchestra in my mind.
my legs, gracelessly swaying,
my eyes shut.









tony: my head's forgotten bits of me. all sorts of bits.









what have i been doing lately

smoking
fucking
studying
singing


what have you been doing lately?

.

PLANETS

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RATHER LENGTHY POST:
(sorry but I feel like talking)






FRDY:

Deadline night/ Branding Iron game
Deadline night was slightly infuriating because of the slow pace and the fact that we finished at 1 AM. We did eat Moca Salsa, though, which was delicious. And earlier on in the evening I went with Kevin and Janice to watch Burn After Reading, which was a wonderfully dark comedy. Tilda Swinton was amazing, as was George Clooney and John Malkovich. Brad Pitt just looked like he had a fucking shitload of fun while he filmed it. He must have, given his character. I think he acted just like Kevin does, actually. Just a little crazier. Oh, and Frances McDormand was hilarious yet disturbing as well.



And as for the Branding Iron game, I did not attend because of deadline night, but I did go down to the field with press badges and our photographers to make sure they got good shots ... and to see Mr. Gunderson






STRDY:

Took the ACT in the morning. Fuck it. Fuck all standardized testing.

Then R picked me up and we choo choo over to his optometrist, then Yorba Linda to go to Joann's. Then to his house so his roommate can make some makeshift tie for him out of tape and the fabric he bought. Then J leaves. Then R and I kill time before picking L up at work. Then.. then then what . Then we drive over to San Bernadino for fucking NOCTURNAL.
Which was progressively fun. I say progressively because at first it wasn't all that great, what with the bastards and the e that took forever to kick in. But as the night got older, it got to be so fucking amazing.
I admit that the pills were too mellow. But they didn't serve me all too badly.
And the music also got increasingly better as it got later. Which reminds me: when we stepped in the gate, there was a middle-aged white man with extremely long blonde tresses in a gold viking armorish suit playing the electric cello.
After the sun went down, I saw planets and met too many people that I don't remember and watched these people named Guy (?) and Steve (?)do illusionist tricks with these clear acrylic globes. Fucking tripped me out. I kept seeing little people inside them.
And the TREES. There were GORGEOUS TREES that looked kind of like monsters with wonderful layers of thick bark and leaves like none I've seen before. And then the colored paper lanterns in them that kept looking like solar system. And then the cool grass underneath that we laid on for so long...
Damn it was great.
Then L and I headed for the Top Ten Tent... R went somewhere, I think to see So Me. We got in while the second to last DJ was spinning so we could get upfront for for for DIGITALISM. And then DIGITALISM. I was right up front with L, holding onto the railing, rolling on the second pill right as they started spinning.
The fact that I was here makes me so happy:



DIGITALISM
DIGITALISM
DIGITALISM
DIGITALISM
I never knew that Jence was so cute. I've never really seen pictures of them in person, but when the duo got on stage i was all WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BEAUTIFUL SKINNY WHITE BOY. Most likely his German blood, yeah?





From NOCTURNAL:



Then went to R's house with L at like what 5 AM?
It is now technically

SNDAY:

J was asleep but woke up briefly. R smoked a little bowl and went straight to sleep, as did L in on the sofa downstairs. But MOI. I took a walk with a cig in hand, freezing my ass off and terrified because everything I saw--every shadow, fire hydrant, car, etc-- looked like PEOPLE. Got kind of lost but eventually made it back. Then I took a shower, changed into R's tshirt/boxers and went downstairs to watch HOUSE. Fell asleep on little futon thing.

I slept for two hours before waking up again at 845 AM because it was too fucking cold. I read, wrote, laid down, went on a walk, smoked cig after cig until noon, when finally everyone else started waking up. R went back to sleep and I laid next to him for a bit, then left, went downstairs for D's coffee. Then J made muffins and taught me how to make a shake with the Baskin Robbin's shake machine.

Fucking Awesome. New appreciation for butter pecan.

Then went outside with J and talked about.. about what, politics history literature movies? D joined us and eventually L when she finally woke up. R stumbled out at one point or another. Then R took L back to her car and I played on J's laptop and helped him fold his laundry until R got home. Then eventually J left for work and R and I had... fun. Then it got dark and I smoked half a pack in the dark while R talked online with his friend in Canada, who told me to shut up. Then R took a shower and I tried to gather all my shit before we left. I think I left a shirt next to J's bed, in spite of my attempt to not forget anything.
And now I'm home. Mlehk.




FUCK!!!
DIGITALISM!!!

.

how low can you go.

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i believe that i am masochistically attracted to constant movement, constant work. i don't like taking the metro because the lines confuse me. i don't like feeling like i am not THERE. and i do not like the awkwardness of speaking and not being heard. i hate the fact that i have been given this beautiful imagination and that i find within myself such dissatisfying or detrimental sources on which this imagination grows. i dream about things that make me sad. i can not stand the instances in which others that once seemed so rational suddenly meet a barrier, on which we stand at opposite ends, forever incapable of breaching our fears and prejudices, our secrets and our hopes.



i think i'm in love with my teacher. it was relatively cold today.

things that save me, once, twice, thrice over:



no official music video. i hope the quality does this song justice. because holy fuck, man. holy fuck:



today i met a lot of people. first day at MAP. esteban. carolyn. berkely. dalia. karina. edwin. ellen. there were a lot more. but i'm bad with names.
we spoke of marlene dumas and other things.

so today i moca'd it out.
tommorow, friday: watch burn after reading with kevin; go to deadline night get home at midnight and SLEEP for test the next day.
day after, saturday: 8am ACT testing; then NOCTURNAL.
later, sunday: cool down down down and then moca for toca assistant-ing.




.

"A stone had been dropped into the well, the well was my youthful soul."

.






Der Vogel kämpft sich aus dem Ei. Das Ei ist die Welt. Wer geboren werden will, muss eine Welt zerstören. Der Vogel fliegt zu Gott. Der Gott heisst Abraxas.
The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must destroy a world. The bird flies to God. That God's name is Abraxas.

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.


--HERMAN HESSE, Demian



From my journal--a page from Demian and a metro ticket I found tucked into my battered copy of Blindness I bought used from Amazon.



Today I got up at 730 and went to Elite, where I was told that I looked scholarly today, perhaps because of my glasses, since I was wearing Gap skinnies and a bright green shirt-dress I tied into a tunic... which is also from Gap, now that I think of it... bought it for 10 bucks on sale while I was in junior high. It says "peace" all over it.
And I was wearing my leather jacket too. I don't know how Mr. Mann got "scholarly." I swear they keep the rooms freezing cold just to ensure that you'll stay awake...

After I walked over to Albertson's because I needed some superglue for my sculpture; I was in a rush and finally reached the cashier, only to have her ask me for my ID.
"I need to be 18 to buy.. superglue."
"Yeah. Sorry."
"You know you keep it next to the elementary school supplies, right above the Hannah Montana notebooks?"
It would be nice if it was placed somewhere that indicates that one needs to be a legal adult to purchase it.

Then went to Barnes&Nobles. Read Demian again and it hit me, as it does every time I read that book, why exactly it has been one of my favorites for years.

After coming home my family went over to my neighbors; my father drank too much beer and my mother looked as though she had an enormous migraine. I felt both pity for her and anger at my father, who was singing with the neighbors far too loudly. But then I also felt irritated with her-- she was the one who had insisted we come and say hello, and now she was irritable.
I met the neighbor's son who's a year older than me, but in the same grade.
I came home with my sisters. My parents are still over there, singing...





Thursday I went to R--'s, stole his shirt and drank 6 beers, spoke with M-- on the phone for roughly half an hour and smoked hooka and cigarettes. I saw K--; she seems to have changed a bit. And A-- and some guy named M--. They played beer pong and I closed my eyes and sort of snoozed in J--'s bed, which smelled like him. Then J-- came home and rushed into the room with that overtly energetic gait of his. He said hello and asked if I was enjoying the bed.
"Where did yesterday's shorts go?"
"They stayed with yesterday."










.

hit me, you fucker.

.


the house smells like ant repellent and old spice.


the burden of pleasing you has devolved upon someone else. so leave, and stop your whining.


i had been craving two things: the movie "closer" and the book "out of her mind."
i couldn't find either and thought myself insane for a while, and then was terrified that i had LOST the said dvd and book.
but then i found out i let gimin?jimin?geemin? borrow "closer" and i had lent "out of her mind" to miss chen, neither of whom have returned their respective lended objects. which is fine, really, i was just afraid that i had lost them.

but i still want to watch closer, and read a few excerpts from that book...



yes, he loved the Lord.
but grace does not remove certain shadows, and the scorn of mortals proves resistant to even the frosted breath of God. and He may forgive you, but sometimes you sleep on a scarred back, with self-inflicted wounds. sometimes the lack of light begins in your arteries. sometimes your inability to love yourself makes you second guess your love for everyone else. including God, the Father, who art in heaven. sometimes such questions consume you--you allow them to, slipping into some false bliss.