you were always the surface of an entirely new reason to fear.

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right now it's 1207am, and i've spent the entire day home alone doing basically nothing except thinking and writing. my journal's feeling pretty worn out, i bet. as for me, my eyes hurt, my right breast is uncomfortable and my cunt is still sore.
pretty fucking bummed out. nicotine withdrawal is a mother fucking bitch.
i watched hotel chevalier again, and then natalie portman's episode of inside the actor's studio.
that woman makes me want to be lesbian, i swear. she's fucking amazing.
i also measured my bra size today, 32B, and wrote a letter to lily.

it's just been one of those days, you know? where you're just like fuck everything but most of all fuck me.

i need a fucking cigarette, that's my problem. and i need someone to just take my mind off things. don't you hate it when you sink into these moods that can't be removed unless you sleep deeply, dreamlessly? but what the fuck do you do if you're an insomniac that doesn't dream.


you want to know a secret? i'm a massive liar with an affinity for old clothes. everyone thinks that i work best when alone, and that i'm fine with being by myself, but honestly, who likes being lonely, hm? i wish i had a brother and i wish that my hands weren't cold all the time. i wish i could scream right now, but my parents and my sisters are sleeping.

i wish i lived a alone. i wish i lived with all my friends.














c: are you going to say anything, or should i just turn around and act like this didn't happen.
a: i don't know what to say. i haven't seen you in a year. i haven't spoken to you in two years.
c: and that's your fucking fault.
a: i know.
c: at least we've reached an understanding.
a: you look great. you lost a lot of weight, though.
c: i told you i would.
a: i'm sorry.
c: are you.
a: yes. and please don't ask me why. you know why.
c: why?
a: because i didn't mean it. because if i could, i would fix it.
c: you can't.
a: i know.
c: but you didn't even try.
a: i never meant for it to--
c: i don't really care what you meant.
a: i thought that we could go back. and that we could be friends.
c: at that point i was never going to be your friend. never. i would never even want to be your friend.
a: okay.
c: okay.
a: can i at least know how you're doing? i didn't think you would be here. i thought you stopped messing with all this. didn't you tell me that you were goign to try and remove yourself from it all.
c: i told you a lot of things. just like you told me a lot of things.
a: i know that.
c: and the result is that this is the last time we will speak to each other. i'm going to leave now.
a: don't.
c: i will.





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