inside my brain. the world creeps in.

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today i said,
"you know what, i think i've finally got it figured out:
life's a bitch, see, but so am i. and the entire point of my existence is trying to figure out who's the bigger bitch."

and ryan said,
"that was beautiful. i'm going to quote you on that."


















the following is about sex. and it's not pretty sex.
i warned you.
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when i say that fucking is an out of body experience for me, i don't mean to imply that it's that pleasurable.
i mean to say that as opposed to it being of the body, it's very much in the MIND. i don't feel anything; i'm barely conscious of my physical reaction and at times i'll touch myself and be shocked at the fact that i can feel. my BODY. my mind only registers the movement and the matter-of-fact ministrations of the two of us.
oh, he's sucking my breasts.
oh, i'm licking his cock.
would you look at that, i forgot to shave.
there's nothing deeper than that. occasionally, i'll grimace in self-conscious physical insecurity or be vaguely aware of sounds. the moans that he makes, sometimes, but mostly the false, calculated half-whimper, half-moans that i cry out. you have to be submissive enough to keep his ego intact and yet dominant and sexy enough for him to be aroused. his curiosity needs to be piqued, his sexual fantasies goaded.
you can do a lot of that with sounds; and words.
oh yes, baby, i want your fucking dick thrusting into me.
fucking shit, i need your cock.
focus all that energy into the head below the waist. he'll turn into putty in your hands. spunk in your hands.
and all the while, i'm thinking of this, measuring as i mew, calculating as i cry out. it's not an art form, fucking--it's like math. A plus B equals C. Manipulation of equations to arrive at the final solution: orgasm. for him, of course. not for me.
because god knows that i'm not brave enough to have an orgasm. cumming is ultimate pleasure and a confirmation of a loss of control. i don't do that. i can't do that. and yes, i've tried.
fucking is cerebral.
if you want you can make part of it fun by making predictions. how fast can you make this guy EXPLODE.
just make sure not to get caught up in the fun, or before you know it you'll be lying next to him dazed with pleasure, and that physical JOY will slowly mist your eyes and numb you with affection as you feel him breathing, smell him, know him, love him.
trust me, it's not all fun and games. and that's why i keep fucking as an out of body experience. once removed from the physical, you are more rational--my body is too vulnerable, weak and too responsive to male attention.
it's your battleground. and your head is the war.



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