l'atterrissage

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"do you believe in God? that's the wrong question. does God believe in us?"















in relation to the recent holiday that just passed:
albeit the impossibility of listing everything that i take for granted, i would say that the most significant people to whom i do not express sufficient gratitude are my younger sister and my father.
in the past, i've discussed my disassociation with both family members with my friends, and i've also written in my journals on the subject at length; i've found that with my sister, it is very easy for me to take her for granted and to mistreat her because of my own internal conflicts that frequently evoke a compulsion to act in a negative manner. my mother once explained to me that the reason my father finds it difficult at times to treat her with the affection that one might expect from a happily married spouse is that he himself has unresolved personal matters that he has yet to untangle; they have not yet released him, or he has not yet found a way in which to escape them and thus with the pejoration that such distress breeds, it becomes frighteningly easy to hurt some of the people closest to him. i mirror my father’s occasionally antagonism towards my mother in that with my self-implemented afflictions, my emotions make me incapable of nurturing an amiable relationship with her.
the fact that i take my father for granted is more simple in its roots in that it is a matter of minimal interaction—we don’t engage in discourse that is unnecessary, and although I remember us being relatively close when I was a younger age, in my recent adolescent life I have never felt close to him. However, the acknowledgement of his sacrifices for my family, and, more specifically, for me, are undeniable and thus at times the guilt of not expressing enough thanks is gripping.







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