whose war

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les chiffres--

current time: 2:56 am
hours i've been awake: 93
minutes spent tonight fawning over gong yoo: 47
hours spent writing in my journal: 2.75
trader joe's bags i used to cover my book: 2
tests left to study for: 2
times i've refilled my water bottle in the past hour: 4
cups of coffee: 3
e-mails written: 6
minutes spend pondering hair: 17
angel wing clips used to pull back hair: 4
books i need to purchase: 8
bottles of lotion left: 5
plt's saved on my computer: 1,010
articles i'm writing for this month's issue: 2
minutes i waited for my turn to speak to darius: 24




i think i'm less familiar with the backs of my eyelids than the average person.



things left to do--
.. read chapter in physics textbook
.. review demonstrative and relative pronouns in french














to let the world move without fear of being left behind necessitates an astounding amount of confidence. either that, or a ridiculous level of ignorance.









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yoo

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need i say anything?







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but with power.

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today was the first day of the new school year.

time seemed to flow backwards, and it rendered me incapable of touching the ground. and so i floated, unaware of several things, and yet far too conscious.


















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yun-in.

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i like the way he moves.

... hee.

















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the time of our lives.

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masking tape, graph paper, hurt friends.










i said a silent goodbye today. i saw him at school and we had a small talk.
we didn't talk about us; we only spoke of insignificant things and commented on each other's dispositions. but i think both of us knew that laying underneath the avidly continued conversation there was a quiet... discomfort, i suppose, as though it was understood that things between us have been irrevocably changed.

it was saddening, though, because after i spent five minutes talking, i asked if he had anything to say, and he said "no, i'm hungry, though-- i'm going to go eat."

and then i said, "okay, i'll see you at the performance."

so. that's how the conversation ended. rather pathetic, but i think it's a true testament to how things have changed, strangely enough.

it just eats away at me though, how i've given him... so much, and what he offers at this stage in the relationship is indifference and some twisted form of contempt.

makes me wonder if it's karma, or if i'll receive compensation later. or maybe i did commit some great sin, and this is the punitive reaction.
























i'm rather worn at the moment, and utterly exhausted. i'd guess that it's the echo of intense emotion; when all such feeling is disposed of, when it all rushed outwards and i'm finally arrested in peace, i'm left in fatigue and confusion.












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labyrinth

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what was sin and shame and the erosion of pride, compared to love?




















i saw a great man today; a man to admire and emulate, a man to respect and be in awe of. i saw his face tighten in disappointment, the aging skin contract to the curves of bone underneath, sagging from certain points.






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neither do i .

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the sun rose too late, it seemed, my mind a lull from not sleeping for so long. the room slowly filled with light, and then with warmth.
i've been awake for four nights. on the fifth morning i find that i'm tired enough, at last, to sleep without dreaming.
it's six thirty in the morning and i'm fast asleep.



























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flashing lights come from everywhere

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today, i take flight with lily! huzzah!
i shall edit and add more later.

muahahahahaha.










edit:
my day with lily was fabulously spent-- we did everything from wonder at the world market's supply of mini-everything, ponder over clotted cream, consume too many fluids from starbucks, have a very cathartic and much-needed talk, and marvel at garrett's incredibly blessed genetic make-up while lamenting the rarity of finding both amazing good looks and personality in males. and we watched becoming jane (great intake of breath at james mcavoy and his eyes), which i highly recommend for all. it's very evident that it's not an american film, what with the screenplay and just the general atmosphere of the movie. not to mention it has a somewhat sad ending. but it's good! incredibly so.
why yes, all in all it was a rather scintillating day for lily&aria.






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'lights will guide you home and ignite your bones'

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yay for art supplies. especially faber-castell pencils :]
here's one of mine:










current listen: e-pro [beck]
current read: eragon [paolini]
current watch: pride and prejudice



























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some degree of pain, but i'm told that it's fleeting

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it's four fifteen in the morning and i'm awake, curled up in bed with a good book, reading by the light of three candles that i found in a cupboard accidentally while i was looking for towels in the morning, after a cold shower.
i'm wondering what he's doing at that moment, whether or not his skin is cold, like mine, and if his hands are slightly clammy like they usually are. i wonder what he's thinking and i realize that i shouldn't be thinking of him. it's not right of me. it's not good for me.
i read until page three hundred and two and realize that it's nearly six. i look out the window for the moon and a warm breeze hits my nose. the moon is cut in half, and for some reason that makes me sad.
i blow out the candles, all three at once, put the book on the floor next to my bed with a small thump.
i keep my eyes open for a few minutes, waiting for them to adjust to the dark. it's cold, but i never close the window-- the lack of heat reminds me of his touch.
the neighbor's sprinklers have turned on, and i'm lured to sleep by the sound of water hitting the grass in cold sheets.

















*edit*

OH MY GOD:





lily !!!
*completely girlish, non-gina squeal*









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minor accomplishments

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let me just say that one or two things in this heart are no longer yours.














film recommendations from me, films that you may have not yet seen or heard of, films that push the envelope:
*viewer's discretion advised for most... all of them.*

The Dreamers
This Film is Not Yet Rated
Chuck and Buck
Kids
Boys Don't Cry
Where the Truth Lies
Splendor in the Grass
Secretary
Lolita









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spanish eyes

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today: i'm FINISHED with mt. sac. history was horrid, i never want to experience it again. sociology, on the other hand, was loooovely.








current listen: backstreet boys, and andrea bocelli.
good times.

















even with the words that sunk through skin and settled in bone, ate through marrow and shattered her frame inward, causing her to implode, even with that crashing of knees on cold stone, he did not realize...





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