literally then figuratively, or the other way around.

.





i could not speak for the failings of our time had slipped from your mouth to mine,
the words designed in my throat remained unsaid,
and i could not paint in the way i might have before.












.



i seem to be losing more and more faith as the days go by. sometimes even in the span of hours, i can feel belief thinning, ever so slightly, barely perceptible unless i am absolutely still and almost numb, vulnerable enough to be aware and to feel what i hold so much fear of. it terrifies me, usually. but i must admit that at times, i feel an odd extent of relief.




.




today i was very absorbed.
i walked from class to class with halting steps and a mind that buzzed so constantly that the movement of thought seemed unbroken, whole and monotone.
it was one of those days where the air seems cold, regardless, and surroundings seem to have adopted a tendency to fade.
i tuned out in class and let voices spill into my ears without significance, made a sarcastic comment or two, but mostly stayed quiet.
i didn't look at him in the eye today.
and even when we walked together from fifth period to sixth, his frame less than a foot away from mine, moving in a gait that i'm so tenderly familiar with,
it seemed as if i was miles away.
i didn't want to be near him. he didn't speak to me either. maybe he was angry with me. he usually is.
it didn't matter, though. not today.





.





i really enjoy my walks with eric. maybe too much.
its bizarre because although we're not much in regard to the relationship between us--
i mean, he's just the boy i admire and put faith in from a distance, and i'm just the girl whose ramblings he listens to with small gasps and awkward chuckles--
but it feels like he cares about me more than some of my closest 'friends' do.
most of my closest friends.
and maybe he does. he's very gentle in that way, i think. maybe that's his little gift. he's just plain... kind. not that that's a normal thing. at least not in my opinion. a precious characteristic, if you ask me.
anyway. i'm thankful to have met him. he's a fabulous listener and he makes me smile.





.





i think that's enough writing for this entry.
i think that the people who observe usually look at the picture anyway.
which is fine by me. i personally find myself staring at these images, wistful and all of that.
so.




.