two straight lines, once again

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... we had religious speakers come in today during class to talk about different religions-- one on atheism and another on islam. it was really, really great. i didn't necessarily learn anything new in particular, but i was incredibly impressed by the way the two men articulated their perspectives, ranging from the individualistic and intellectual basis of atheism to the skewed understanding of jihad that most derive from mass american media. it only deepened my convictions in regard to the futility of religious conflicts and the entire "only my religion is the truth" shit...
what is truth, anyway.
i know i've been raised with a tremendously christian background, and i know that i've never exhibited the firm faith that my mother so adamantly wishes i could have--i don't think i ever could, and i know that my spiritual and intellectual struggles conflict constantly. religion and faith have really been an enormous aspect of my difficulty to identify myself and my beliefs, particularly in the past few years. it's difficult.
at present, i feel more like an agnostic than anything else. god, to me, is amorphous and unrelentingly enigmatic. my experiences in life in no way correlate with what i am taught by the presbyterian christian leaders that have dominated that part of my intellectual journey. my perceptions are contradictory and my questions are endless. in fact, i think that their teachings have been more detrimental than helpful...
i don't know...
i just know that i can't ignore that my faith has been an extremely influential and crucial component of my emotional, psychological, and moral development. how it's been an influence, whether or not it's been a positive one, if it'll continue to confuse me, and if i'll ever be able to firmly place myself in one denomination or even a particular set of beliefs... i don't' know. it's all rather grey.











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