hearse-- february dies

i went outside in the middle of the night to listen to the stars, and shiver in the chill i realized in a moment that they make no sound.

another of Dominique's. my favorite so far.

forever looks like water

i've lived the past few months with my palms pressed to my ears, shaking my head in gentle, perpetual movement, eyes shut tight and mumbling incoherently...

it is now 4:30 am.

i am at a loss for words, but i have the urge to write. i don't particularly enjoy this feeling; it just makes me terribly frustrated.

current listen

"
I'm in the wars
Can't speak for crying
Close all the doors
Since I am dying "

Natalie's Song
--Sia

furry smiley

so much work to do that it's not even funny. i've already heaped three tablespoons of instant
coffee into my 32 oz. cup of water from the icee shop.

you know what's odd-- despite my supposedly frequent substance abuse, i've never endeavoured to write anything while under the influence. perhaps i should try it sometime, although my scribbling is already rather... inane...




this here is the coldness, like that of half-licking your chapped lips while breathing in the restless air of early, young winter... i can feel it on your skin, and i'd ask you where it came from if i wasn't so proud, and so fearful of the reply that has already dared closeness with the space around my ear

domo don't move do NO!

hey peeps.

let me tell you-- Dominique is my definition of a cool beans person.

she went to Hollywood the other day. and Venice. and she took some wonder-filled pictures that i immediately PLT'd.

here are a couple. i shall post more tomorrow.

i heart L.A.

check yourself at the door

Cinespace tomorrow-- Miko Mako and No Age.

and letrainbleu has changed their website layout

and a&c is taking in submissions for Peek '07 NOW.

you love until you can't

i am quite eager for potential lilyaria time.








i thought i was in love before it hit me that i just drank too much coffee. similar effects, you see...

likenme

so... cory kennedy is on the front page of the l.a. times, has a feature story in west magazine, is in the italian rolling stone and some spanish magazine, and she's mentioned in a number of tabloids...

and i'm like...

what ?

i don't get it. oh well. there's a lot of things i don't get.



now tonight, i'm debating over whether i should finish my apeuro homework after going to dr. chang's or go to a friend's house where they say they're having an oscar party, but i think that some one's gotten a hold of two whole grams of coke. who knows.

gasp like so

beneath his brow there was time and something closer to love than anything else i have ever known. and in that space, i used to be worth waiting for

some sort of lucky and i feel the patience break

i wish i was more responsive to help

now let me tell you, 'tis not all that safe to be in a room full of self-destructive and self-titled artists with handfuls of ambien and way too much vodka. but it's also a saturday night and i haven't done shit for a while.






my body is a battleground upon which i have yet to win a single fight

la belle epoque

you never plan on getting into these kinds of things... but it usually engulfs you anyway...

oh look it's an elephant

i'm congested. i hate being congested. it makes me want to choke somebody.

not that i have violent tendencies, or anything ...

thanks, man

is this your pep talk ?

mind and heart

her hand fell to her knee, palm up and so gracefully curled, reminiscent of a pale and grey sparrow perched on a bare, cold branch of an ash tree, as if it had been dropped in the midst of a great. terrible sigh. the skin looked stretched and somehow painted with soft energies of sorrow and dust, the air around it whispering that she was too sad. her fingers looked like the limbs of kind ghosts, ivory hued, yet, for some reason, icy from the lack of blood, as if her extremities were preparing for death. her nails white and weak, cut short, and clean. the hand looked like exhaustion, placed in the pause that precedes an apology, or in that space of time during which you give up, relinquishing ambition and strength because holding your fist around it makes it bleed too much.. it rested there, trying to be...

gap between

i wish for the end of all things. or at least all that is self-destructive and that which beats an already ignited temerity. i wish for peace, essentially, and resolution.

beep beep

i would help you but i'm too busy, going to the museum. i like art, you see. it makes me feel better.

i don't know if i should

something familiar makes everything so hard to finish

let it open like a mouth

i am a break in your skin. an open split of wetness and the metallic taste of blood. but we still spill out of ourselves, only to meet the other at the edge of our aged foreground. i am a taste on your lips, a memory of movement across that softness, the faint touch of old breathing and an abandoned attempt to deconstruct; bare our naked selves like so. i am nothing to you but tiredness and the shifting thoughts before a sigh.

cracks me up.

"this jacket would look so great on you!"
"yeah. if i was dating someone named Yoko."

here's heart number fourteen

graph paper makes me dizzy.

but then again, so do a lot of things..

guess what i might not be able to go to coachella. tickets sold out everywhere. makes me sad to death. not really to death, but yeah, pretty damn sad.

i'm back

the light is too bright. i feel alone and my fingernails need cutting.

some sort of reason

and why did i just post a ton of picture in a ton of posts?
because i'm leaving tomorrow for Fresno. i'll be back on monday, i believe, but these pictures are to make up for the four days during which i won't be able to even access a computer (gasp).


i'm hoping to leave and come back with a bit more calm in my head. a bit more stillness wedged into the grooves of my mind...i think a brief change of location will give me the break i need, even if it is Fresno. at least i won't be here.

but man, i'm going to have so much work to do.


and also, i'll have some writing to post when i return, i think. i've been having some trouble with articulating my thoughts recently, but the words are building up and tingling the rims of my eyes right now, ready to spill. good stuff, man.


i'll have stories from Fresno as well. this year should be fun.



oh. i got letters from Duke and St. John's. but i'd never go to the latter for undergrad; maybe after i finish all of my formal education, for leisure if i could afford it.

they say so much

v-day like d-day

doo dwee doo do as we do

that ended a while ago

look look look

pretty much

sorry i'm just like that

pit stop

allow me that

a few of my recent sketches. scanned from mine and Dominique's ammo book-- no i usually don't sketch in there, but i couldn't find my drawing pad. s'oh well.

the sketches are oh-so-very-fondly dedicated to Lily :]

and i got another letter. this time from NYU.

frickin' a.

i broke my fast. gosh am i weak.
and i just had an explosive conversation with my mother. at the atomic/nuclear weapons of mass destruction level.
and i need to go to rite aide for some vanilla extract and a shaving razor. and maybe some diet pills.
tomorrow's such a busy day...

yellow light

oy it's 5am again..
this is my favorite time of day. 430am-515ish...
i love it. muahahahaha.


... i'm screwed for ap euro today.
oh well. -_-

shake n' bake

i've received letters from Brown, Whitman, and University of Miami.
hell no i'm not spending four years in Florida, but i'm ecstatic about Brown. good stuff.



i dunno. perhaps i haven't completely lost my touch.
or maybe this is the last of the fallout. who knows.

hold it

Diesel's Moon party. get an invite& go if you can. should be bamtastic-- i heard dj am's got something special, but then again, that's just the rumor mill...

i loved you first

i spent my entire day in upland.

and crap do i have work to do...

then what

just back from seeing Angela.

good conversation.

i am the weak stained ring of the bottom of a heavy teacup.

midnight bloo

Haunted by wave-like ghosts;
I miss our
softened thoughts and the
quiet questions, How to place our hands
and How loud to whisper.
It hurts to say your name,
and my heart
was not ready for the weight
you added to my blood,
thickened now with
tenderness and
a smooth, leaden
regret.

black snow, twice as cold

a place that should be so light, that should fill you with the softest warmth and peace

has been so pervaded with dark, this lack of light and the sad, smooth summer night

"gina" is synonymous with...

i'm feeling ridiculously frustrated with my life.





i need to get out of here.

elsa's procession to the cathedral

i'm debating... should i go to sleep or... no. i have to get up in half an hour if i do. hmmm.

wide eyed

Transient Insomnia lasts from one night to a few weeks.
Most people occasionally suffer from transient insomnia due to such causes as
jet lag or short-term anxiety. If this form of insomnia continues to occur from
time to time, the insomnia is classified as intermittent.
Acute Insomnia is
the inability to consistently sleep well for a period of between three weeks to
six months.
Chronic Insomnia is regarded as the most serious; persists
almost nightly for at least a month.

secret no way

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-- E.E Cummings